...and we’re back. After taking a few years off from writing power rankings, I’ve returned with a rejuvenated hatred for all your teams. I won’t do these every week (given my busy schedule as a full-time employee and part-time grad student), but I will do my best to periodically carve out time to explain why you’re bad at fantasy football.
Dragonball Zeke | 8-4W/L | 1421PFThis team slaps harder than Will Smith on Oscars night. Having Josh Allen, Nick Chub, and Justin Jefferson makes for a high ceiling and a high floor. Throwing in the fact that Kenneth Walker has kept up a surprisingly good pace of points and Hockenson being traded off the Lions makes this team that much scarier. Even his weak points can rack up some double D points in Deebo and Diante. The one risk is that his bench looks pretty shaky, but if the team stays healthy, only luck will keep Scottie from bringing home the Cathy.
Dragonball Zeke | 5-1W/L | 748PFTopping off the charts with 748 PF is Scottie. This team looks as unstoppable as the 2005 Texas Longhorns. The scary part is points are distributed around the whole team. The bench even has some serviceable contributors in times of need. Barring some bad luck, this team may be headed to the Rose Bowl to battle for the championship.
Fullmetal Ekelerist | 1-1W/L | 201PFIt was a close race for first place, but I’m giving Callen a slight edge. He’s been building for a while, and it’s finally paying off. His efforts are stacked. Everything has just been pulling together nicely. The beard is strong, but the flow is where Callen got my #1 vote. It’s thick and luscious; enough said.
Saquon deez nuts | 1-0W/L | 115PFTFW you waste an entire roster spot all year for Michael Thomas, then decide not to start him for his first game in two years, and he scores two TDs.
I really hate putting Carlos here, but his team is looking stacked. Aaron Rodgers had probably the worst game of his season, although I think his ceiling this season is significantly lower without Davantae Adams. Carlos could easily stream a better quarterback if he doesn’t work out. Micahel Thomas looks like Michael Thomas again. I think Carlos might have the best running back depth in the league. We just might be drafting in Amarillo and eating 72oz steaks.
All Gaskin No Breaks | 6-3W/L | 928PFBig sad about UT and the ‘Stros. My fantasy team is looking good though. Pulling for your fantasy team as well so that we have a better chance for a Holland, Michigan draft in 2022.
Scottie wasn’t quite able to pull out the win against Mark’s season-high outburst, but he is still tied for the top record, number one in points, and has scored in the league’s top half in the past three weeks. His team is buoyed by his studs (Tom Brady, soon-to-be number-one RB Jonathan Taylor, and Deebo Samuel) while getting serviceable production from Justin Jefferson and Noah Fant (when he doesn’t, you know, have COVID). AJ Brown will probably need to be relied on even more, given that the Titans are missing Derrick Henry’s production. So long as his stars stay healthy, he’s got the firepower to stay on top.
Zeke Squad | 3-1W/L | 456PFThat is frustrating when you hit that point in the season where you lose all hope.
John’s magic from his preseason trade with the dingus that traded him Patrick Mahomes is starting to take shape. I am convinced John is selling Chiefs and Cats losses to the football gods in exchange for fantasy dubs. Patty Ice Mahomes and Zeke are starting to heat up. The supporting cast carried their weight for the most part yet again. Even excluding Cordarrelle Patterson’s 30-burger on the bench, John managed 118 points. If John had started Zack Moss in week three, his team would have been undefeated. Perhaps he should have changed his name to the Zack Squad that week. This team may seem inconsistent at times, but they aren’t. This team is terrifying. Somebody, please trade with this man to throw off his team balance. If the Zeke Squad stays injury-free, send the weekly money winnings to John now.
Moore Cowbell | 2-1W/L | 324PFBring back kickers.
My team continues to consistently put up big numbers as a unit, with individual contributors varying week-to-week. Stafford is a top-5 QB as he finally change out the big D for vitamin D. It turns out that Ja’Marr chase was sandbagging during the preseason, much to my relief. But really, I’m being buoyed by Travis Kelce and the Saints’ defense, both playing at the peak of their powers currently. There could be trouble on the horizon if my RBs don’t find some level of consistency, but currently the outlook is 75 and sunny, just like it is for my boy Stafford. My team’s soulfood is currently the avocado toast fueling Matt Stafford’s LA renaissance.
Fresh Prince of Helaire | 1-0W/L | 117PFMuch like K-State against a typical, laughably bad OOC schedule, Chris is once again looking good at the start of the season. Unfortunately, Southern Illinois looked more competitive against the Wildcats than I did against Cramsey. This roster looks good from top to bottom. I didn’t think he’d part ways with Mahomes, but his team still looks elite without him. With a couple of bench spots freeing up, I expect this deep team to get deeper.
Zeke Squad | 2-0W/L | 244PF